I was going to write a post today about things I literally can't get my head around like people who litter or people who swear in front of kids or old people or people who troll online but I literally don't have it in me.
I want to blog, my hands are itching ready to get typing but I just don't want to type what I intended to today. I looked at my schedule for June, I looked at my blog post ideas and I don't want to type any of them either.
I just feel a bit drained. I feel like I've got zero energy, my eyes are heavy, I could sleep for a week even though I stayed in bed till 9 today, I feel like I'm ten stone heavier, like the whole of me is an effort to drag around. I keep sighing and puffing out like phewwwww every few minutes like everything is just too much. I can feel a cold coming imminently, I have the tell tale sore throat and the sniffs that I first brushed off as hayfever are feeling more like 'you're run down babe'. And I feel a bit sad? Like my brain and life is just on top of me when actually, everything is very manageable. Can you tell what time of the month is coming up?
Today I have been working away at my desk doing illustrations for people and finishing jobs and trying to avoid looking at the mounting pile of admin and filing sat next to me on my printer. I have worked slowly and not pushed myself to rush here there and everywhere and yet I've still managed to get everything done that I intended to.
I have also slung on my slippers and a big lilac cardigan to wrap myself in and last night instead of blogging or working in front of the TV I got under a blanket and just watched for the first time in forever. I've had warm sugary tea on the go all day and had a chocolate cookie about half and hour after I finished my dinner cos why the hell not.
I feel like my life of late has been crazy, since before Christmas I was rushing around saying I was too busy to schedule a blog further than a day in advance or do a Twitter chat and I don't think it's slowed down much since then either. I have my own house now but I work from my office at my Mum's so I'm on a constant 'gotta clean the kitchen when I get in' or thinking about the clothes washing that needs doing. I'm constantly on the road, my petrol bill has gone from one tank a month to two or three when I rarely seem to leave the county.
I'm always doing favours for people, picking someone up from here, dropping them off there or going to the supermarket for the extended family because nobody else is going to do it. There's always some drama or another that everyone needs to sit down and get my counsel for, phone calls that last an hour of someone being upset or having to sort everyone out, playing mediator. Everyone needs my advice, nobody can do anything for themselves or on their own, it's down to me to organise, to research, to get quotes, to make decisions, to work out schedules, to make appointments. I feel like I'm turning into my Mum, she always used to say she did a million and one things all at the same time for everyone - and now I do her stuff too.
One of my friends was sat in my car over Easter listening to me talk about my life, about everything going on and everything I've got in my brain and she was like "but what do you do for yourself?" And I didn't have an answer. I was like 'what DO I do for myself?' I'm always running after everyone else, sorting everyone else out, smoothing things over I don't know what I do to take care of me? Nothing I guess which is why at some point like now I feel sleep deprived even when I'm not and I can feel an illness coming on because I'm just run down.
Even this, even my blog doesn't feel like a hobby all the time for me. I write because I enjoy it there's no doubt about that but I also schedule blogging time into my daily routine. It's there in the evenings when we stick the TV on to catchup and whilst Joss just sits there to watch and enjoy, I pick my laptop up and start working.
But then today, today I wanted to just type and not see it as work or stick to my pre set schedule. Today I wanted to write as if I was writing my diary which is primarily what a blog is isn't it? If you're writing lifestyle you're writing about you and this is me today. I've smashed this post out in 10 minutes almost to the second (the photos were stock I had, let's not get ahead of ourselves here) and it has felt so cathartic to write something and yet nothing at all. I've said nothing in this post really but it feels nice to have let my fingers fly over the keys and just say something.
Let this be your daily reminder (and I'll refer back to it when I feel like this again) that even when it seems like there's nothing wrong, sometimes your head just gets a little overwhelmed with life. It gets overwhelmed with promises to other people and to do lists and work and blogging and things you have to remember and you just need a lil break. It's easy for me to take a quiet day, I work for myself and I run my own day but if it's not so easy for you, make sure you note what self care you need, what makes you feel better, cancel all your plans and just take some time for you.