I've mentioned a little bit on the old blog that I've taken up running again but a fitness/wellbeing/healthy lifestyle blog I am not. Trying to motivate myself to keep at it, keep pounding the pavement (or in my case, woodland), keep on running, I thought I'd get blunt with my fitness journey.
Me and running have a love hate relationship - that being, I love how it makes me feel afterward but I hate motivating myself to go. It's something I imagine a lot of people feel, I am certain I'm not alone but I'm back at it again.
I've started and stopped running probably about 5 or 6 times in the past 4 years, motivated some times, couldn't care less a lot more of the times but it genuinely is the only exercise I can even contemplate enjoying so it's my lot.
Being blunt; the reason I started running in the first place (the first time) was because I put on 3 and a bit stone at university. Back in school I was a measly 7 and a half stone and at 5ft7, that was less than ideal. It wasn't anything I was purposefully doing, I was one of those people with a super fast metabolism and I genuinely enjoy fruit more than sweets. I know, I hate myself too.
Fast forward a couple of years and I'd spent 4 years at universities, eating junk, never doing any exercise, barely walking anywhere, living off McDonalds and pasta and cheese are barely consuming any of my beloved fruit (who knew it was so expensive when you have to start buying it yourself??) Funnily enough, my metabolism I'd so taken for granted back at 18 didn't quite hold up to the shit I was putting it through and uhm, well I moved very rapidly from a size 8 to a 12. Oops.
Sticking with the lets be blunt and honest about this vibe, I haven't been hugely bothered by the weight I put on and the dress sizes I changed. I needed to put on some weight to have a healthy BMI to be frank and get some more skin on my bones but what I am bothered by is not feeling toned. As it always does, the weight combined with the pill (that old gem) all went to my stomach, the tops of my arms and my face. I used to say in uni that I put three stone onto my chin alone and that still makes me giggle at the mental image. At least we can joke. I also got boobs though which I never had before so silver linings right?
I've not set about exercising to lose weight per say, I have set about exercising to get more toned, get more muscle, get stronger and more definition in my body again. I'm not bothered about dropping a dress size, I'm not bothered about being 8 stone again - I'm bothered by feeling confident in myself.
Don't get me wrong, 80% of the time I am reasonably happy bumbling along, but every now and then when I'm bloated or my jeans don't look right or I don't feel confident enough to wear a crop top, it gets me. Just like it gets any other girl. We all have our moments of weakness, we all feel shitty one week and feel all sassy Beyonce queen another. It's life unfortunately.
A few weeks ago my future sister in law asked me to be a bridesmaid at hers and my brother's wedding in 2018 and it was like a lightbulb switched in my head. Suddenly I had a goal, a bit of motivation, something to aim for. I don't want to walk down the aisle of my baby brothers wedding, with my family, with my niece and not feel 100% confident in myself.
Summer 2018 is a long time away, I have a family wedding next summer which is my middle ground because ugh I hate wearing dresses and getting fit, getting body confident by 2018 sounds like an easy, slow, realistic goal for me. Being blunt, I need a goal, a motivation, an easy to achieve fitness regime over a period of time that I can improve on, that I can build on slowly.
I don't know where this post is going or what it's aimed at but I suppose it's a way of being answerable to myself - I have written this post as a way of holding myself accountable for saying 'I am getting fit" and maybe if the fear of writing a "lol sooooo I didn't do it" post is strong enough, maybe it'll give me the kick up the butt I need.
So this is me being blunt, saying I put a bit of comfort eating weight on, I embraced the Freshers fifteen (and then some) and now I am not all that ok with it. I am being blunt and saying it's vanity, that I know I am not unhealthy, that I know a size 12 isn't anything to be ashamed of. In fact I'm not ashamed, it's just not where I want to be right now. And that's cool.
Now if you could all just send me little reminders to go running every once in a while that'd be swell. Thanks gal pals.