Last night I had a Twitter notification from @LateNightBloggers saying I might be interested in last night's chat - the topic being what we'd do if we were Prime Minister. It was supposed to be a light hearted v humorous chat and was 100% up my street. I was so excited to take part, I knew it'd be a right laugh. And what happened? I started ironing, forgot all about it and 2 hours later realised my mistake (that's a downside of turning off push notifications FYI).
With that in mind and because I am the actual worst and Tina (hostess extraordinare) is the best and given the events going on today, I thought it'd be fun to do a Late Night Bloggers inspired post today on what I will do when I inevitably get elected PM.
*This post may or may not be serious, you come to your own conclusions.
Q1. You are the new Prime Minister! Congratulations! What's the first thing you'd do when you get to your new home at Number 10?
All I can visualise here is the dance montage of Hugh Grant in Love Actually. I think one of the first things I'd do is root around all the cupboards and draws and see if my predesseor left me any goodies. You know like when you move house and you find a box of the previous owners stuff left in the loft they forgot about?
I think I'd also take a wander round and start making lists of what I want to change. We all redecorate when we move somewhere, shift all the furniture about, make it our own. I'd want to know what I could change (I bet there's all sorts of regs in No 10) and then I'd get the decorators in cos if I was PM there'd be noooo painting or DIY from me.
And then I'd probs order a chippy tea in cos there's nothing worse when you move than having to make your own tea and try and find out where the plates are or which box the knives and forks are in.
Q2. Who would you want as part of your cabinet for all things awesome? Celebs, fellow bloggers, your Mum?
I Googled the Conservative Government Cabinet for this to see what kinda roles were available for me to allocate.
I think for my Chancellor I'd have my Dad - he works for a bank and whilst he might not be very good at budgeting and prioritising where to spend and where to save, he'd at least know what all the financial terms mean.
My Foreign Secretary would be my Mum - she's VERY nice to everyone, she doesn't believe a single soul could ever be nasty or hurt someone so she'd always be as nice as pie and you genuinely can't meet her without loving her so I think she'd be delightful when it came to international diplomacy. Everyone would do exactly what the UK wanted because they'd be like nawww her Mum's so sweet though.
My Secretary State for Wales would be the other half - he's mega patriotic as am I so he could push forward all the policies that I couldn't actively shout support about because lol I'm PM and can't show bias to Wales (even though we're obvs the superior country).
My Minister for Work & Pensions would be somebody fabulous like David Attenborough or Mary Berry. Someone all the Grannies can get on board with and can you imagine a cabinet meeting with one of them??
As for Health I wouldn't have one single minister, I'd have a mini cabinet made up of people who work in the NHS at all levels from student nurses to consultants who have a real insight into the state we're in. Not Mr Hunt anyway.
I'd also give roles to Political News Reporters and people from political panel shows like The Last Leg and Have I Got News For You, Stephen Fry because obvs and then my fav bloggers and the Squad because I am v open to bribes and rewarding friends.
Q3. As Prime Minister, what would be your naughty scandal? Make it as outrageous or lame as you can! How would you cover it up?
My scandal would be like 'found snapchatting in a cabinet meeting' or I'd let some state secret out on Twitter because social media is life. I don't know if you can even cover it up if it's there in black and white on the internet but then the Trump covefefe mishap was there for all to see and they still managed to say 'everyone who needed to know knew what he meant.'
Ohhh actually saying that, I'd employ Sean Spicer as my press secretary and all round spin doctor because he's doing a fabulous job with Trump (he's legit my fav person at the mo) so anything I did he could DEFINITELY cover up.
Q4. What would you ban from the UK? (the less sensible suggestions ;) ) I'd ban ketchup! (Sorry gross sauce lovers!)
Nuts can do one. I have a nut allergy that's very vague on what would happen should I ingest one (die or just be sick or summin, the scale is pretty wide) so in case someone tried to assassinate me I'd have all nuts banned. Soz lads.
I think I'd also ban places that make you buy something before you can get the code to open the door to the loo or coffee shops that don't have wifi cos I ain't about that life.
Other things that would get the chop would include being charged adult prices to get into places like theme parks or cinema tickets if you're under 18, the tampon tax, Katie Hopkins and people who scrape their fork along their plate when they're eating.
Q5. What would make you relatable as PM? Why would people have voted for you?
Yesterday on the Squad Whatsapp I said I was super relatable because my house is 90% IKEA so maybs one of my policies would be some IKEA vouchers for each person who voted for me? Sounds legit in my eyes, forget the secret ballot.
I mean obviously I'd still have to write my blog when I was PM, it's what made me relatable in the first place. I think I'd rename it 'Prime Minister Meltdown' and it would be all the relatable things about being PM like "Things I text my Defence Minister this fortnight" or "103 Thoughts We All Have In A G7 Meeting".
I think people would have voted for me for the IKEA vouchers primarily (I hope someone rich funded my campaign), because I'd probably be wearing head to toe high street, because I wouldn't look weird eating chips and because I would share fabulous GIFs on Twitter.
Q6. What would you do to ensure you're voted in again? Bribes, cupcakes, or good ol' fashioned mud slinging?
Oh I already said I was open to bribes so I guess I'd be open to dishing them out too? I'm less the Twitter war mud slinging type so maybe I wouldn't engage in the Televised debates but nobody would care cos I'd live Insta story it all or summin and be sassy toward the other candidates because behind my laptop or phone, nobody can touch me. #keyboardprimeminister.
My baking skills are below par but with Mary Berry as my Works & Pensions minister I'm sure she could find time in her busy schedule to whip up a few thousand cakes for the people right?
Maybe I'd promise everyone who voted for me an advertising slot on the blog or a #FF shout out? I'd get the bloggers on board by saying everyone in my Party will follow them on Instagram if they mark an X next to my name on polling day.
Or maybe maybe just my sheer wit and fabulous company would be enough and I'd be elected every election and then slowly phase out the competition and before you know it - it's a dictatorship. Who knows, who knows.
HUGE thanks (and apologies) to Tina and Late Night Bloggers for the inspiration behind this post and for missing the chat last night. I hope I made it up to you with this little homage.
What would you do if you were Prime Minister? Even if only for a day?