Today me and my other half (vom vom vom I hate myself) are celebrating our 6 year anniversary. Yep we managed to last 6 whole years from the sprightly age of 17 without going stir crazy and even managed to move in together.
Here's some wise words and parting wisdom of things I've learnt about being in a long term relationship in my time;
1. You will become one and the same. Interests they have will seep into your brain and become your interests like osmosis. Hate that band they listen to all the time? You'll love it in 6 years.
2. You don't have to utter a single word to let them know that you're annoyed with them. A look will send them quaking in their boots.
3. You will get them to do all the jobs that you hate doing like the dishes and the bins by blackmailing them with all the jobs they hate doing like hoovering and laundry.
4. You will become really condescending to couples who haven't been together as long as you. You will talk about them behind their backs like "ahh if only they were like us" like you're the Kim K and Kanye of your friendship group.
5. You will fear couples who have been together longer than you knowing they are talking about you. They are the real Kimye.
6. You will perfect the art of making the perfect cup of tea dependant on how they drink theirs.
7. You will just accept that they're gross and that you'll have to wash their underwear and clean up after them and that's ok because they have to deal with your hair in the plug hole too.
8. You add things to your shopping basket as treats for them without thinking and then get home and realise you never bought anything for yourself.
9. You will scorn at people who say living with a SO is hard work because duh you're the perfect couple and then you'll move in together and be like WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
10. You will comment on their driving habits but god forbid they get phantom braking foot when you're driving. God help them.
11. You will find yourself in possession of a diary and an address book because now you have 849273498268746 members of their family you need to remember birthday cards for.
12. You resent every god damn breath they take the first time they snore in bed. And every time after that.
13. You will still sneak out of the house like a mouse if you're up first in the morning cos bae needs their beauty sleep even though they've kept you up all night with their fog horn nose.
14. You need not words. You communicate silently now. And they understand you.
15. You find yourself zoning out when they talk about things that don't interest you now because in the dating days you had to pretend to care so they liked you.
16. They become the person you tell all about the Kardashians and what gossip is happening in your friendship group and what drama is happening on Twitter cos they care. Obvs.
17. You know how far to push your luck and when you push it too far you know how to play the 'you shouted at me' sad face card.
18. You will hold past resentment and things they did wrong to use in an argument cos you are the world's worst.
19. You will have daily battles that neither of you speaks of but both of you know exists. Like putting the toothpaste on the side when you KNOW your other half will passive aggressively put it back in it's designated holder when they brush their teeth. You'll take it back out tomorrow just you watch.
20. You barter with eachother like you're a bookies. If I do the cooking tonight you HAVE to do the dishes, it's only fair.
21. People younger than you will start getting married and having children and you will worry you've missed your slot. But then you look at your other half and laugh your tits off like PAH WE STILL CHILDREN OURSELVES.
22. You will only comment on how fast the time has gone at anniversaries and not once never during the rest of the year.
23. You will listen to your friends horror stories about Tinder and dating and what the difference is between seeing someone and being exclusive but not boyfriend and girlfriend and you will go home together and thank your lucky stars you don't have to deal with that shit no more.
24. You mock couples who are so loved up in their honey moon stage because you know that shit don't last and you'll bitch about how they only spend time with each other and how their PDAs are vomit inducing even though you were EXACTLY THE SAME when you got together.
25. You can still recount the first time they kissed you or the first time you held hands or the butterflies you felt when they were flirting with you or the relief when they FINALLY asked you out so you didn't have to do it and through all the years and all the shared experiences you love them even more than day one and you will never do enough to show them that and show them how much you appreciate having that one person that gets you.
Love is a crazy liddle thing.